Dear Sirs, Madams, Misguided Megalomaniacs, and Robots:

This is the second letter I have addressed to you. In the first letter, I was kind enough to clarify for you the task at hand, since you all seem so confused about what it is, exactly, that you are supposed to be doing. And since I am, after all, your employer (with the exception, maybe, of the Robots), I was trying to be fair, to give my “slow” employees a chance to catch up and discern what it is I am asking of you. But you still don’t seem to get it.

So pour yourself a cup of coffee, have a seat, and let me break it down for you again.

Needless to say, I am less-than-impressed with your work performance. You were hired to be problem-solvers. You all went to fine schools, you all play golf with the people you need to be tee-ing up with in order to affect real change in America. And yet this morning I switched on NPR and learned that all of you are still (still!) dickering about the particulars of the “reform” you claim to be attempting. This isn’t reform, guys. It’s business as usual, and I’m still not fooled.

The radio broadcaster was doing her best to try and explain what it is you are all hung up on- something about preventing health insurance companies from denying coverage to people with pre-existing conditions, and making health-care coverage affordable for all Americans. All that sounds very altruistic (albeit fustian)- and maybe some of your other bosses are tricked into thinking you are actually accomplishing something by decorating it with big words- but not this one.

Americans don’t need affordable health-care coverage. We need affordable health care. Period. Health insurance is supposed to be for those “what-do-you-mean-I-need-a-liver-transplant?” moments, not for routine bodily maintenance. It should not cost a person hundreds of dollars to have a bone re-set, to get a mole removed, to treat their acne, to diagnose their phlegm-y cough. This is the problem: that the cost of health care is so high that the merest ailment can send working Americans into a financial Vortex of Despair. It’s not just absurd, it’s wrong. That’s the problem. Fix that.

Here’s how it’s supposed to work: Anyone who wants to can buy health insurance on the off-chance that they will someday suffer a serious disease or injury. Because the chances of such a thing are relatively slim, the insurance company profits, in essence, off that person’s continued good health. In the meantime, when that person gets a cold or accidentally puts his arm through a window while installing his mini-blinds, he can go to the doctor and pay for the patch-up in full. Maybe- if his budget is tight- he forgoes his chicken dinner on Friday, or waits until payday to replace the glass,  to compensate for the unexpected expense of stitches. But he never, never has to deliberate whether or not the injury justifies the expense while his arm bleeds all over the carpet.

Sirs and Madams, you are supposed to be the good guys. You were hired to protect our interests in the face of predatory greed, among other things. What is going on? Why aren’t you doing that? It really isn’t as complicated as you’re making it seem.

Next time you’re playing golf with one of those insurance company CEOs, just tell them straight. Tell them they’re going about it all wrong. Tell them you’re very sorry, but things are going to be drastically different, and it may mean their third vacation home in Tobago will get foreclosed on. Tell them you have to do the right thing, tell them your boss told you so.

And then tell the doctors.

Unhappily Yours,

The Boss